Time at Home

In only a few short days our property will be enjoyed, loved and taken care of once again.  Over the warmer months Nik and our dog Freddy will be there, continuing to help bring life back into this space that we are so excited to call our home.  The winter of planning projects, scheduling tasks and dreaming of what is to come will be set in motion this week.  I have a hard time saying that I, as of now, won’t be joining them for this part of the journey.  It will be the second summer I’m not with them, chipping away and seeing the change first hand. It feels different, harder, than the first. 

Last summer I was happy to see them go.  I was ready to show myself I was capable of being on my own.  To cook for myself, to clean up, to walk anywhere, to finally work again.  

I’m guessing that at least a few of you reading this might not know why this was a big deal for me.  For others, you might not fully know what happened.  I’d like to take this time to share it.

I worked in the film industry; the hours were wild. A short day for me would be 14 hours (which rarely happened), and it could have started any time.  After finishing a Thursday in March, 2021 at 1am, I was driving home on the 401 and felt this feeling in my stomach. These feelings had been happening to me fairly regularly.  I assumed they had been panic attacks where I would become nonverbal, auto-pilot, and as they kept happening the foggy mind afterwards would be lasting longer. But I always told myself I could figure it out.  Now I felt the beginning of a ‘panic attack’ on Canada’s busiest highway and all I had time to do was think, “Uh oh”. 

The next thing I knew, I was parked somewhere.  I didn’t know where but I thought everything must be ok since the radio was on.  I got out of my car and a bus driver was walking towards me, inviting me to sit on her bus.  I let her know I didn’t have my face mask, which at that time was needed, but she assured me it was ok to come on.  Even though it all felt strange I went and sat down for a bit.  The bus didn’t drive anywhere and a crying family ran onto the bus. I was still confused but started to gather myself and thought I should get off and head back to my car.  When I did, I saw that the place I ‘parked’ was against a tree and fence.  The tires left on the car were flat; the others meters away.  The driver’s door didn’t fully open, the seat was reclined and all of the airbags were deployed. Nothing made sense to me.  I took my belongings out and stood looking at the car.  

I heard, “Get away from there!” and was brought into an ambulance.  The paramedic asked me what happened and I had no explanation other than to describe my ‘panic attack’:  It starts with a butterfly in the stomach, rises to anxiety in the chest, then into my head and reality turns into a dream.  

A seizure.  Hearing him tell me that I had a seizure gave me the greatest sense of relief.  I finally have an answer.  

After CT scans and MRI’s at the hospital, I found out that I had a benign brain mass - three times the size of the average - that was causing focal seizures. I also found out what else had happened on that drive home from work.  My auto-pilot body had exited the highway, rode against the guardrail, cut across the street into oncoming traffic, drove up a grass hill, jumped over parked cars, landed and hit a gas meter off the side of an apartment building then ran into that fence and tree to come to a stop.  I am so thankful that I didn’t hurt anyone, let alone the fact I walked away with only a scratch on my neck.

I was given the choice of being kept on medication to try to control the seizures, or moving forward with brain surgery in hopes of stopping them.  I chose the surgery.  After lockdowns and rescheduling, I walked into the hospital ready for this next big step. 

When I came home, Nik was my biggest support. I didn’t have enough strength at first to lift a full glass of water.  When it was time to bathe he would help me.  I couldn’t walk around the small block without taking regular breaks, and there Nik was with me, spending the time together to look at the beautiful blossoming trees.  I never felt like a burden or an inconvenience.  I am so grateful that I have him as a partner.  

Through all of this we felt, and still feel, the never ending support from so many people in our lives.  We will forever be grateful to them.  I can’t say how much it all means to us.  Thank you. 

As Nik and Freddy head out East again, I know it will be difficult to watch them drive away.  I would love to be out there helping with the season’s setup and being another set of hands in this part of our property’s story. 

You might be asking "Why don't you just jump in the car with them?".  Well, we are still facing obstacles with my health as the focal seizures have returned and I have scheduled appointments in the city.  We are now learning more about epilepsy, chronic conditions, and what some of the possibilities are ahead of us.

Reflecting on what the last couple years have given us and what we’ve been through, I am very thankful we are moving forward in this direction.  We are at a place in our lives where we are excited for each challenge. The beginning of this summer will be no different.  As we face this next chapter, I see opportunities for growth once again.  At this pivotal stage in the project where the house becomes the home, we’re thrilled you’re all joining us for the ride.

-Renée